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Jokes!
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
Well, you've heard of fortified 🍞 bread. You have it in sandwiches 🥪 or with milk 🥛. But wouldn't you rather have fiftified bread? How about sixtified bread, that must be way better. Why always fortified? Or how about it it got better each year? You know, today it's fortified, next year it's fortisixed? This is an original joke. You've heard it only here! Exclusive.... I'll see my self out.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian! Well, they're not laughing now!
I wish they'd stop beating this dead horse.
Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figures he might want to try putting out a youtube video to drum up some business. He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson's company. He tells Johnson to come back the next week. The next week rolls around, and Johnson goes back to see what kind of ad Jim has put together for him. Jim has Johnson sit down, and pops in a USB drive. A scene of the crucifixion of Jesus comes on. He's screaming in agony as a Roman centurion hammers away at his wrists. The Roman stops, turns to the camera, smiles and says "You always know you're doing the job right when you use Johnson nails!" Johnson is irate. He yells at Jim, accusing him of trying to run him out of business. Jim manages to calm Johnson down, and begs for another chance. Reluctantly, Johnson agrees, and they set up a meeting for next week. Johnson shows up to the meeting expecting to be disappointed, despite Jim's assurances that this time everything will be fine. Jim pops in a USB drive and the scene begins. It's a beautiful desert scene, the blue sky merging perfectly with the rolling dunes. Suddenly, a naked, bearded man comes running from off screen, being followed closely by a pack of Roman centurions. The camera pans in on the group, and one of them, sweating and panting says sadly, "I guess we should have used Johnson nails."
If you get an email with a link called "free porn" Don't opin it, It is a virus wich deactivates your spelcheck and fcuks up you riting, I also receibed it but lukily I dont vatch porn so I dint opin it, plaese warm yu frends.
To get to the other side.
When you have life insurance, but no car insurance. [@jokes](https://lemmy.ml/c/jokes)
Waiting time is 8 hours [@jokes](https://lemmy.ml/c/jokes) ♲ [infosec.exchange/@andersr/1096…](https://infosec.exchange/@andersr/109653024116993733)
Baby zebras! Soo, how many of you were thinking stripes? lol
Overall it was a good deal. It only cost me a buck.
It was a nightmare.
"Sure. His bread is in the pantry." "Your snake eats... Bread?" "My anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, hun."
They kept dropping the base.
"Why the fuck did I eat them?"
  Source video: https://yewtu.be/watch?v=PVL24HAesnc
How am I supposed to boost my k/d ratio if I don't know how to drive offensively?
She is a Pisces, and I don't believe in bullshit.
All their passwords were in plane text.
::: spoiler spoiler Because if they lived by the bay they'd be bagels! :::
::: spoiler spoiler Guardians of the Galaxy. :::
Got charged with a salt and battery.
These amateurbiotics in my stomach just aren't cutting it.
Player: I dunno...reality is pretty much only in your imagination No one: and what is there in reality, your poor imagination? https://youtu.be/KFrv57zoPq0
::: spoiler spoiler Ground Beef :::
They'll get rid of your pounds one way or another!
There is so much pain!
From https://www.reddit.com/r/technicallythetruth/comments/pb8thl/binary_or_not_youre_still_binary/.compact
"No, but I just finished the sick website for it!"
That ship has sailed.
The mothia is ruthless.
I tell them, "I have no egrets."