So they can hide in cherry trees. Alright, why don't you ever see elephants hiding in cherry trees? Because they're very good at it.
Susaga
14 hours ago
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100%
The brick joke is an absolute classic. The only tragedy is that it's hard to set up without other people coming in with the payoff before you can.
Susaga
3 days ago
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88%
We already have the term "virgin" for people who haven't had sex. The reason they made a new term is so the "involuntarily" part makes them a victim. See, it's not just that they aren't having sex (which they TOTALLY deserve, btw), but they're being actively denied it.
It's a term born in anger and a need to blame someone else. If you don't feel that need, you don't use the term.
Susaga
3 days ago
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100%
I once had a player in my game play a changeling who swapped places with someone, then forgot they were a changeling. So naturally, I had the rest of the party meet the original without her. That was a fun reveal.
Susaga
4 days ago
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100%
I will say, this is slightly hurt by the fact we all said these in the comments of the first joke.
Not The Onion
Billionaire Larry Ellison says a vast AI-fueled surveillance system can ensure 'citizens will be on their best behavior'
Susaga
4 days ago
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100%
I'm trying to think of which robot dystopia/apocalypse this most closely resembles.
Susaga
4 days ago
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100%
Why would a campaign not need a tabaxi journalist?
Susaga
5 days ago
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100%
I don't think nazis are the ones that decided the gay pride colour though (it was purple). I think it was someone else that decided.
Susaga
5 days ago
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100%
Just looked it up. White is white pride, red is neo-nazi (and often, willing to spill blood), yellow is anti-racist. Not sure why that last one's a bad thing, though.
Black was neutral, because that's the colour doc martens usually come with.
Susaga
5 days ago
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100%
In a youtube video by Matt Baume, he discussed two types of protestors against offensive gay representation in the media.
The first group was loud and disruptive. One guy broke into the news room and yelled over the anchor about the injustice. Another guy handcuffed himself to a camera. It was a problem that could shut down production entirely.
The second group was calm and willing to negotiate. However, the only reason they were listened to by the networks was because of the first group. They even had whistles to ruin the filming if they weren't listened to. But they were, and filming went without a hitch after that.
It's not the peaceful path, but some people don't want the peaceful path. They want violence. Give them more violence than they can handle (or at least the threat of it) until they beg for peace, THEN take the peaceful path.
Si vis pacem, para bellum.
Susaga
6 days ago
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100%
(I love when I get to post these joke chains)
How do you get 4 elephants in a mini cooper? -Two in the front, two in the back.
How do you get 2 whales in a mini cooper? -Take the M4 and go over the Severn bridge.
How can you tell there's an elephant in your fridge? -Footprints in the custard.
How can you tell there's 2 elephants in your fridge? -You can hear them giggle when the light goes out.
How can you tell there's 3 elephants in your fridge? -You can't quite get the door shut.
How can you tell there's 4 elephants in your fridge? -There's a mini cooper outside.
Susaga
2 weeks ago
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100%
Nah, I'm not gonna edit. I'm gonna leave my mistakes in and blame them on the dog.
Susaga
2 weeks ago
•
100%
Scary Movie 3. Among many reasons that's a film you shouldn't watch as a child, that was my introduction to the Ring, and I had a TV in my room.
Susaga
2 weeks ago
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100%
Don't let "perfect" be the enemy of "good".
When I make maps for ttrpgs, I've started using a tool that is, let's be honest, kinda crap. The maps I can make using it can only ever be "good enough." This is good, because it means I don't spent hours trying to make it perfect, and instead just finish prepping other things.
That's an offer that's hard to turn down, or at least to look into a little. And the sign is right by the house with the dog sat on the porch, so it's easy enough to check out. "So, you can talk, huh?" "Yep" says the dog. The man is surprised and impressed. "How did you learn to talk?" "Oh, I was part of a government program run by the CIA to create a new genus of super dog, genius level intellect and top quality skills. I was the only one of the litter who could talk, so they fast tracked me up to being an agent. They taught me how to use a gun with my mouth, how to drive with my paws, how to diffuse a bomb with my tail, and even how to parachute into hostile territory. Apparently, thanks to the genius genes, I learned even faster than the human agents, and I was sent to Russia as a spy within a month. "I had an amazing time chatting up the local pooches, begging diplomats for treats, and feeding top secret info back to the states. My work even helped delay the war on Ukraine by 2 years, but I blew my cover when I called Putin a jerk straight to his face. He sent his top guys after me, and I had to flee through the city. Jumped onto a train through Serbia and swam across the Bering Strait into Alaska. "Unfortunately, Putin sent an assassin after me as I was moving through Canada, and he caught my dominant paw. I had to take the guy out with one of my ears, but I managed to survive, and my wounds healed really well. Now I'm retired, so I decided to keep this town safe." "Holy crap" says the man, transfixed. When the dog's owner comes out, he looks up at the guy and asks "Why the heck are you selling him for only $5?" "Cause he's a frickin liar! He's never spent a day outside of Utah!"
RPGMemes
I refuse to believe you all would really let your players bully you into running only d&d
Susaga
2 weeks ago
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100%
I was once explaining a rules lite system I wanted to try to someone, and he kept complaining about how difficult it would be for him to learn a new system. I had to point out that I had already fully explained the rules while we were talking, and we weren't even talking long.
I think some people just think every system is as complex as D&D.
Not The Onion
Elon Musk Says He Survived On $1 Per Day Before Becoming The Richest Man In the World – 'In America It's Pretty Easy To Keep Yourself Alive'
Susaga
2 weeks ago
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100%
"That'll show those poor!"
"Why are you cheering? You're not rich."
"True, but someday, I might be. And then people like me had better watch their step!"
Ask Lemmy
Imagine modern tech could resurrect old movie stars, which movie remake would you like to see them in?
Susaga
2 weeks ago
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100%
Oh, I know. And I double checked wikipedia to see what the critical response was. Carrie Fisher liked how it looked. Reviewers said it was "weird and unsettling", "particularly plastic" or "distractingly artificial."
Ask Lemmy
Imagine modern tech could resurrect old movie stars, which movie remake would you like to see them in?
Susaga
2 weeks ago
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100%
I don't think "if at first you don't succeed" applies here. Like, I'm annoyed they tried once. I think a more applicable adage is "Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should."
With Disney capital to pay for high-end technology that looked amazing, we found the result was passable at best. Peter Cushing's estate, run by his former secretary, said it was okay, but the overwhelming response from audiences was that it was disrespectful.
We know we couldn't, and we know we shouldn't. So let's not.
Ask Lemmy
Imagine modern tech could resurrect old movie stars, which movie remake would you like to see them in?
Susaga
2 weeks ago
•
88%
Remember that time they used CG to bring back Peter Cushing in Rogue One? Remember how bad it looked? Remember how disrespectful it was? Maybe we shouldn't do it again.
Susaga
2 weeks ago
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80%
Yeah, this question is like being asked "what's your favourite STI". They're all unpleasant, so I'd rather not have any.
Ask Lemmy
How many baseball games does your dad have to miss before you grow up to be tucker carlson?
Susaga
2 weeks ago
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85%
I'm willing to bet there was some islamaphobia in those rejected screenplays.
The Monkey's Paw
I wish my house cleaned itself
Susaga
2 weeks ago
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100%
Granted. There is a faulty wire, and your house sets itself on fire. Every stain, cobweb, misplaced item, trash bin and general mess is now gone, along with everything else.
Curated Tumblr
Language mimicry
Susaga
3 weeks ago
•
100%
Yes! I completely forgot his name, but I love the skit!
Susaga
3 weeks ago
•
97%
Dragon Age quote from Iron Bull: Some high-ranking women wear ornamental crap with tits hammered into it. One good shot, and all that cleavage gets knocked right into the sternum. Real messy. Good on you for going practical. ...Leaves something to the imagination, too.
Curated Tumblr
Language mimicry
Susaga
3 weeks ago
•
100%
There was a stand up act about a guy who was learning German, and decided to listen to German speeches as he slept to help him absorb the language quicker. You can probably guess how that can backfire.
Susaga
3 weeks ago
•
100%
I don't know about being a flat earther, but I know for a fact they're a moon landing denier. Very unkeen on evidence, that one.
Susaga
3 weeks ago
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66%
...You just answered your own question. He was delivering supplies. That's the point.
Although, in the case of oxygen, he was picking up trash (carbon) to take out with him. And he went through the whole place to make sure he got it all.
Susaga
3 weeks ago
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100%
A man enters a room and leaves with a box. In the process of picking up the box, he became a man carrying a box. This is not transmutation.
I put some beans on my toast. In the process, it becomes beans on toast. This is not transmutation.
Two things became one combination of two things. Neither thing has fundamentally changed.
Ask Lemmy
You are given an opportunity to hard reset our universe (particularly, the Earth). You are also allowed to change one rule about the new universe. What rule would you change?
Susaga
3 weeks ago
•
100%
The cat stops talking.
Ask Lemmy
You are given an opportunity to hard reset our universe (particularly, the Earth). You are also allowed to change one rule about the new universe. What rule would you change?
Susaga
3 weeks ago
•
100%
You son of a removed
Ask Lemmy
You are given an opportunity to hard reset our universe (particularly, the Earth). You are also allowed to change one rule about the new universe. What rule would you change?
Susaga
3 weeks ago
•
97%
Cats speak french, except in any situation where they can be recorded or transcribed, or when a french speaker can hear them. They also aren't very good at speaking french, but it's impossible for anyone to know that.
Susaga
3 weeks ago
•
100%
Then use your words and say "dude, stop" or "could you maybe turn it down?" If the DM let it go on and never did anything to stop it, then it's the DM's fault it got as far as it did. Just because someone else is a villain in the story doesn't mean you're not.
And this is in the hypothetical situation that the bard is the specific strange kind of person who learns of a possible gloryhole in a TTRPG and uses it without question.
All I see is a DM making a castration joke, which is a dick joke but more gruesome, while blaming a player for a situation entirely within the DM's power to stop by any number of peaceful, less disruptive means. They could have spoken to them, but they chose to cut off their dick.
Susaga
3 weeks ago
•
100%
::: spoiler answer Glory Hole 3 is the lying mimic. However, while there is one mimic who lies, there is also the possibility that the remaining glory holes are honest mimics. :::
Susaga
3 weeks ago
•
88%
That only clears the first hurdle. It only lets the player recognise it as a gloryhole. But if you were to give someone a fleshlight in a public place, do you honestly expect them to use it right there? Or to even accept the fleshlight? Same applies with a gloryhole in a ttrpg. Even were they inclined, there are other people there.
And if everyone there is down for it, you're now the asshole ruining everyone's fun by putting chili in the fleshlight.
The DM clearly had a fantasy of the bard engaging in some perverted act, then thought of a way to punish the bard for the DM's fantasies, and is now presenting it before the table and thinking it makes the bard look bad.
Susaga
3 weeks ago
•
95%
I want to point out that the player would need to identify it as a glory hole and not just a peephole or something. They would also need to think it's a normal thing to find in the world and not something out of place. They would also need to be comfortable enough with the other players to engage in sexual roleplay with a wall. And in this case, you have clearly created a very perverse game world for your players.
The alternative is you just deciding to tell your players "you see a hole in a wall that you think could be a glory hole. ...Anything you wanna do about that?" to which most players would either ignore it or check the hole for traps before ignoring it.
In short, I don't think the problem is the BARD being horny here.
Susaga
3 weeks ago
•
100%
I feel like that campaign is just begging for Lolth to show up and just be like "I see you've done... well for yourself. Are you going to introduce me to your new friends or...?"
Susaga
3 weeks ago
•
100%
I do like the idea that elves just change their entire lifestyle every hundred years or so. They spend 80 years as a warrior, then decided to take up magic and became a wizard for the next 80 years.
I also like the idea of a human village that accidentally built 4 statues of the same elf who kept saving them with different skills.
Susaga
4 weeks ago
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100%
The camera shows the wheel break from the track, throwing the hero and the henchman to either side of the room. It cuts to the carriage in chaos, with people panicked at the motion. Then it cuts to you to break the tension.
Checks out.
Susaga
4 weeks ago
•
100%
While the ghosts don't activate the pellets, they also don't eat the regular pellets. They interact with nothing but Pacman, the only living thing to be found. Even if they could, the only effect is to weaken the ghosts, so they have no reason to.
If the pellet changed Pacman, it makes no sense that he could eat one ghost and not another. And yet, when a ghost respawns, Pacman is unable to eat that one, even as he manages to eat the others. The change has to be within the ghosts, reverting with time or with resurrection.
As such, we have no reason to believe Pacman can eat any ghost unless that ghost reacts to the power pellet. Whether those ghosts react to a power pellet? Insufficient data for meaningful answer.
Susaga
4 weeks ago
•
100%
Consider how eating the power pellets turns the ghosts blue, and how the ghosts regain their original colour when they respawn, even within the power pellet timer. The natural conclusion is that the pellets don't change pacman, but change the ghosts.
As such, unless the power pellets affect ALL ghosts the same way they affect the pacman ghosts, pacman could not eat any ghost other than the pacman ghosts.
Susaga
4 weeks ago
•
66%
I was trying to be absurdist instead of realistic, and I had no idea who Kristi Noem was before you commented that. Why is reality so absurd?
The genie appears before him and declares "I am a powerful genie! Due to budget cuts, I will only be granting one wish, but you can wish for anything you desire and I shall make it come true!" The farmer wastes no time. "My neighbour, Peter, was once as poor as me. One day, he received a cow as a gift, and he began to sell the milk. Suddenly, he is earning twice as much. He could afford to fix the roof, he bought new clothes, and he even took a day off to have wild sex with his wife. That cow made his life so much better than it was before." The genie nods. "I see. So, your wish is..." "Kill his cow."
Real person, fictional character, or even just hypothetical: I wanna hear it!
There are only two survivors, both of whom are Christian men. They start walking, hoping to find civilisation and a source of food and water. Each sand dune is hell, but they push themselves forward to climb over it. Days pass and their thirst aches their throats, but they keep walking. Finally, their journey pays off, and a village comes into view. One of the men turns to the other and says "look, we're in a muslim country, and it's a desperate situation. I say we pretend to be muslim. They'll take better care of us for it." The other man looks aghast. "What? No! I'm a Christian and proud! I have nothing to be afraid of." As dawn breaks and their legs are about to drop, the men reach the village. A man spots the pair and approaches them, wearing a robe, an imama, and sporting a lengthy beard. "Who are you?" "I'm Muhammed" says the first man, his real name Peter. "I'm John" says the second man. The muslim man takes John by the shoulder, pulling him into the village. "It must have been a long walk, you must be tired. Please, we have plenty of food and water, and there should be a bed for you somewhere." Then he turns to Peter and opens his arms wide, a warm smile on his face. "Salaam, Muhammed! Happy Ramadan!"
An investment banker is looking to hire a new secretary, and has narrowed down his options to three women. While most people in his position would want her to sit and look pretty, he wanted someone dependable. He wanted someone who could offer him good advice when he needed it, and might even reach a position like him in the future. To this end, he offered each woman a test. He gave each one £10,000 and told them to invest it. After a month, they would return the money to him, and this would serve as an interview. The first woman invested in hot new stocks, hoping one of them would pay off. Sadly, it proved to be too much of a risk. By the end of the month, she was only able to pay him back £2,000, having lost £8,000. The second woman invested in stable businesses with gradual growth, getting a steady return per day. By the end of the month, she gave the banker £1000 more than she had been given to begin with. The third woman invested and pulled her money like a machine, shorting companies and spreading rumours to boost her profits. While she had in excess of £17,000 by the end of the month, she only returned £10,000 to the banker, arguing that everything else was not part of the deal. Once the test concluded, the banker instantly made up his mind, and hired the woman with the biggest chest.
And there's five people in my family. And I know I'm not Chinese. So it's either my mum, or my dad, or my younger brother Charlie, or my older brother Huang. Personally, I think it's Charlie.
At the front desk, the three are informed that there is only one room left, and the room only has one bed. The guys are comfortable enough with each other that they decide to just share the bed between them. The next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed wakes up and says to his friends "guys? This is kind of awkward, but I had a sex dream last night. A super hot girl was giving me a handjob on the slopes." The guy on the right side of the bed then yells "No way! I had a dream that I was getting a handie in the hot tub!" The guy in the middle just pouts. "It's no fair. You both got super fun, kinky dreams, and I just dreamt I was skiing."
Silly or serious, big or small, I wanna see them!
Grass. Okay, I added the bit about the wheels to make it sound cooler.
A man goes to a stable and asks to buy the fastest horse they have available. The stable manager nods his head and brings him a fine and impressive stallion. When the man asks how much the horse costs, he is staggered by the answer. "That's... That's half the price of almost any other horse here! Why is it so cheap?" "Well, you see, the horse is blind" responds the stable manager. "But he's the fastest horse I've ever witnessed, no doubt about that. You just need to give him good directions. And don't bother hitting him, either. Just say Jesus if you want him to go, and Satan if you want him to stop. Go for Jesus, stop for Satan." In retrospect, there was a lot of Christian iconography around the stable the man hadn't noticed. The man then asks for a test ride, and the stable manager agrees, as he has the man's credit card on hand. The man then says "Jesus", and the horse immediately bolts at speeds the man is genuinely amazed by. The world roars past him and the wind billows in his ears, all as this horse keeps running at full speed. The horse doesn't turn, only moving in a straight line dead ahead. Suddenly, the man notices a cliff not too far away, but dead in the path of the horse. He reaches for the reins, but they billow in the wind and beat at his hands. He grabs them and tries to pull back, but the horse resists. The cliff keeps coming closer and closer, until the man finally remembers his instructions and yells "SATAN" at the top of his lungs. The horse stops alarmingly fast, knocking the man forward at the very edge of the cliff. The man then looks down, seeing just how high the cliff is, leading straight into a rocky valley. He leans back in relief, having just avoided this terrible fate. With a hand on his heart, he can only murmur a tired "oh sweet jesus..."
This is purely hypothetical, just for fun. In this scenario, you don't get to know who the GM is in advance, but they do have to run it as written. The players can leave whenever they like, but the GM has to stay until either all players leave or the players beat the dungeon.
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and one to hold the ~~penis~~ ~~mother~~ ladder.
https://www.awkwardzombie.com/comic/in-good-hands
A train was travelling through Europe, and four passengers were riding in the same carriage. There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, an old woman and a young woman. The train eventually passed into a tunnel, and the lights on the train failed to turn on. In the darkness, a loud slap was suddenly heard. When the train emerged in the sunlight, the Frenchman was holding his sore cheek. The old woman thought "That Frenchman must have copped a feel of the young woman in the dark, and he got what's coming to him." The young woman thought "That Frenchman must have groped the old woman thinking it was me, and he got what's coming to him." The Frenchman thought "That Englishman must have groped the young woman in the dark and she thought it was me! Unfair..." The Englishman thought "I hope another tunnel comes along so I can slap that frenchie again."
The bartender asked him "Oi, mate. What's with the giant orange head?" While the remark was quite rude, the sheer size and distinct colour of the head had distracted the bartender from his manners. The man with a giant orange head simply sighed. He was annoyed, but had come to terms with people reacting like this. "The short version: I was cocky. I thought I could do anything for a while, and I wear the price of my hubris on my neck. If you pour me a whiskey, I'll tell you the long version." The bartender nodded, and began to pour a glass for the man with the giant orange head. "I was travelling along the beach, enjoying a stroll in the sun with the ocean beside me, when I stumbled upon an oil lamp. I've seen Aladdin, so I had suspicions about what this was. Sure enough, as soon as I brushed off the sand, a djinn emerged from the lamp and offered me three-" "A djinn?" asked the bartender, interrupting. "Yeah, he was very strict about the name. It's basically a genie, but-" "No, I get that bit" said the bartender, continuing to interrupt. "I just don't really believe you found a genie lamp on the beach, is all." "My friend, look at my giant orange head" said the man with the, as described, giant orange head. "Did you think this was just genetics?" The bartender pursed his lips, admitting defeat in silence. "Right. Sorry. My mistake. Carry on." The man with the giant orange head waited for a moment before continuing his story. "So, I had three wishes, and I knew from the start what I wanted my first wish to be. It's a bit cliché, but I wished that I could pull out any amount of money from my pocket in exact change." "Oh yeah?" asked the bartender, now interrupting at a more polite moment. "Mind if I test that? Your whiskey costs £3.10." The man with the giant orange head reached into his pocket and pulled out exactly three pounds and 10 pence. The bartender was stunned for a moment before deciding to test his powers. "Four hundred and eighty nine, uh, yen." As before, the man with the giant orange head pulled out exactly four hundred and eighty yen, having not touched the foreign currency until now. "Three billion pounds" said the bartender. Once more, the man reached into his pocket and pulled out exactly three billion pounds. As soon as it was placed onto the bar, the bartender snatched it up and ran from the bar to his retirement. Fortunately, the bartender was not the only person working that night, and another bartender approached the man with the giant orange head to ask his story. If he didn't, the joke wouldn't work. "So, what was your second wish?" asked the second bartender, who was now the only bartender. "I'm a weak man" admitted the man with the giant orange head, giving a large orange smile. "I wished that I could make any person I'm attracted to insanely attracted to me." "Are you sure?" said the bartender, a little upset they did not find the man with the giant orange head attractive. "Not to be mean, but does that work when you have a giant orange head?" The man with the giant orange head silently turned to look down the bar, spotting an incredibly attractive woman. You are likely imagining someone attractive as I write this, but your imagination is insufficient in this instance. Even the diverse and subjective opinions of billions of people tend to agree that the woman is appealing. "Hey" called the man with the giant orange head, giving a small nod to the woman. She looked in his direction and immediately began to squirm wordlessly in her seat. She quickly excused herself to the toilet, and I will grant her privacy by not discussing her actions further. "Alright, I'm convinced" said the bartender, blushing a little. "So, what was your third wish?" The man with the giant orange head took a sip of his whiskey, morosely staring into the glass. "Yeah, that's where I messed up. I was riding high on the success of the first two, and I didn't really think through the implications of what I wished for next. I wished I had a giant orange head."