captainastronaut 2 days ago • 100%
And I’m sure they are all really well informed and written with experts in the field… 🫠
captainastronaut 2 days ago • 100%
The gallon of water probably didn’t hurt.
captainastronaut 3 days ago • 100%
In Bluetooth mode yes.
captainastronaut 5 days ago • 100%
Yiiiiikes.
captainastronaut 5 days ago • 100%
Wow. Do you live in a bank vault? That’s a serious door!
captainastronaut 5 days ago • 100%
Maybe just a spare key in a hidden lockbox outside?
You could also look at these.
With the WiFi add on it’s HA compatible.
captainastronaut 5 days ago • 100%
At least we will all look fab as the earth burns.
captainastronaut 5 days ago • 100%
And we are all going to help them pay for it when it goes wrong.
“I’m doing my research to see if FEMA can help,” she said, referring to the Federal Emergency Management Agency, which can assist homeowners whose properties have been damaged by a federally declared disaster (her house flooded during Sandy under different owners). “But if not, I’m going to get a loan,” she said.”
captainastronaut 5 days ago • 100%
Spoilers: cause it’s all they can afford
“Stacey-Ann Meikle, who owns a home in Canarsie, Brooklyn, is not in an official high-risk flood zone, so she does not have flood insurance. As a single mother on a dental hygienist’s salary, she cannot afford it anyway, she said.”
captainastronaut 5 days ago • 100%
It’s so hard to let them go but loving someone means letting them leave you their way, in their time, even if it hurts you. And every good day you had together is yours to cherish forever ❤️
captainastronaut 1 week ago • 100%
Both take up too much space on the desk
captainastronaut 1 week ago • 100%
Not if we put orange cones on all their hoods.
captainastronaut 1 week ago • 100%
Nope! But it will sell a lot of new trucks!
captainastronaut 1 week ago • 100%
Finally! Someone who’s working on the issues I actually care about!
captainastronaut 1 week ago • 100%
Or… hear me out… they just make their products suck less and affordable.
captainastronaut 2 weeks ago • 100%
This will be interesting to watch and I’m not against it. I just wish they were investigating Royal Dutch Shell, Phillip Morris, Koch Industries, or Goldman Sachs with the same fervor. While Google has certainly done some evil, they aren’t even in my top 100 for evil actors that are exploiting us all to enrich themselves.
captainastronaut 2 weeks ago • 100%
Isn’t Lemmy content being openly indexed by most search engines? I think we just don’t have the years of content here, so it’s not going to have the same gravity.
Also, I wonder about all the varied domain names of all the servers. Would search engines treat them all as separate sites, and calculate page rank for each separately? If that’s the case, the influence of Lemmy in search results would be even lower.
captainastronaut 2 weeks ago • 100%
International Waters in the 24th century?
captainastronaut 2 weeks ago • 100%
Understatements that keep me up at night for 1000, please, Alex.
captainastronaut 2 weeks ago • 80%
I would like that source code for… reasons.
captainastronaut 2 weeks ago • 100%
Who still uses Twitter for anything, much less watching videos? Hard pass.
captainastronaut 3 weeks ago • 100%
I live in a progressive city in a progressive state, that claims to believe climate change is real. We just spent the last 10 years rebuilding the seawall that protects our precious iconic waterfront district. It was rebuilt exactly 0 inches taller than before, because increasing the height did not create short term profits.
We deserve what’s coming.
captainastronaut 4 weeks ago • 100%
In a leaked recording, Amazon cloud chief admits he doesn’t understand software development, also doesn’t understand the current AI offerings’ capabilities, and just wants the Amazon stock price to rise so he can buy a bigger boat.
captainastronaut 4 weeks ago • 100%
TERM. LIMITS.
captainastronaut 4 weeks ago • 94%
Says the person who is primarily paid with Amazon stock, wants to see that stock price rise for their own benefit, and won’t be in that job two years from now to be held accountable. Also, who has never written a kind of code. Yeah…. Ok. 🤮
captainastronaut 4 weeks ago • 100%
Fuuuuuuckk no.
captainastronaut 1 month ago • 100%
I love that the bank has a form letter for all the common sovcit bullshit!
captainastronaut 1 month ago • 100%
Just the Friday jams I needed, thank you!
captainastronaut 1 month ago • 100%
The Honking is upon us! Run for your lives!
captainastronaut 1 month ago • 100%
Neat. Something else to feed my anxiety.
captainastronaut 1 month ago • 100%
My family has had some of the best cats this way. My mom would always go to the shelter and adopt the oldest one they had and we had so many truly wonderful sweet cats over the years.
captainastronaut 1 month ago • 100%
I would love to see that number on a graph next to the energy consumption of training the next bullshit AI chatbot.
captainastronaut 1 month ago • 100%
Don’t worry, mining companies are famously careful not to damage the environment. And they almost never release face-eating leopards!
captainastronaut 1 month ago • 100%
Carbon credits funnel money to poor people as well as tax exempt status for churches funnels money to poor people. In that, not at all if rich people can help it.
captainastronaut 1 month ago • 100%
I really just don’t think our clean air strategy can involve “keep burning shit for energy”. Wind, water, waves, rays, and atoms yes… but not “burn shit”. Even if it’s useful shit to burn, it’s still a huge carbon release.
captainastronaut 2 months ago • 100%
I just curse out the machine voice with all my pent-up frustration until it sends me to a real person and then it’s easier to be kind to the person who rescued me from robot hell.
captainastronaut 2 months ago • 100%
I feel seen.
captainastronaut 2 months ago • 100%
Just Nazi Twitter being Nazi Twitter.
captainastronaut 2 months ago • 100%
It works until they catch you! Just like lots of other crimes.
captainastronaut 2 months ago • 100%
The convoluted logic to get from “this is how much money I owe” to “actually, that’s how much they owe ME” is so wild.
The TSA has attempted to roll out more facial recognition in airports but has so far been blocked from doing so. Clear is stepping in to gather all that biometric data for them, in addition to the fingerprints and Iris scans they already have, and provid it to TSA directly while making a profit on the side from doing so.  “In the near future, Clear's new facial recognition system will electronically transmit members' digital identities to TSA's second-generation Credential Authentication Technology (CAT-2) scanners, Clear says.” https://www.cntraveler.com/story/clear-at-airport-facial-recognition
They have not received any OSHA fines, but that’s because they haven’t submitted injury data to OSHA since 2016. But now employees are starting to self-report.
I really love this Kickstarter digital photo/art frame and even though the company shut down this week, I have kept mine alive and made it work really well, better in some ways than it did before. Here's the post on keeping the EO1 alive in zombie mode. I hope it helps someone else not throw away this cool device! https://z32guru.com/tech-projects/electric-objects-eo1-zombie-mode I also started/hosted a community for fellow EO1 hackers to help share knowledge on how the device works. https://seattlelunarsociety.org/c/electricobjectseo1
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "Whats wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?
A cowboy walks into the bar, only to find it's empty. Only the bartended, polishing a glass, is behind the bar. "Where's everyone at?" Asks the cowpoke. "At the hangin'." Bartender says. "Hangin'?!" The cowboy asks. "Hadn't heard. Who are they stringing up?" "The Brown Paper Kid." "The Brown Paper Kid?" "That's right. Wears brown paper pants, brown paper vest, even a brown paper hat." Bartender nods looking at the glass. "Damn. Never heard of him. What's they get him for?" Asks the cowboy. "Rustling." >*Originally posted to Reddit by jonnyprophet*
Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests. For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good morning, Father,' and 'Good morning, Father.', nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said: 'Good morning, Father,' and 'Good morning, Father.' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' - "Father, it's me,' she replied, 'Sister Agatha!" >*Originally posted to Reddit by boa_constrictor*
A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying. "What's wrong?" asks the Viking. "Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and about since losing the use of my legs. It's so disheartening." "I'm very sorry to hear that," says the Viking. "But at least your family is here! That should help to dry your tears!" "Yes," says the old woman, "but I really wanted to get something to surprise my daughter while she is in that shop trying on clothes, and with this accursed wheelchair I can't get around like I used to. "I was hoping to find an extra special cake or pie to celebrate their visit," she sobs. "Oh, I can't even bake my classic egg and bacon tart anymore, and I know my family always looks forward to that!" "You're in luck then. That place over there is the finest bakery in the country!" says the Viking. "So I hear," says the woman, "but the first floor is just breads and such. The fancy sweets and pies are all up on the second floor, and I can't get up there with my chair." The Viking thinks for a moment and says "Not a problem. I shall carry you!" With that, he lifts her from her wheelchair, hoists her onto his back, and trudges into to the bakery. After carrying her up the stairs and all about the display cases, he helps her bring a selection of delicious treats to the counter. She even finds her family favorite! The Viking then carries the woman and her purchases back to her waiting chair below. "I can't thank you enough! I'm so much happier now!" replies the old woman. "Who are you, kind sir?" But the Viking simply smiles and walks off without a reply. As he turns the corner out of sight, the woman's daughter appears at the bakery entrance. "There you are, Mom!" she exclaims with relief. "I was worried sick when you weren't where I left you. What have you been doing in there?" "Oh!" replies the woman "I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name. It felt good to get our quiche Lorraine!" >*Originally posted to Reddit by arothmanmusic*
A lady lost her handbag.. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.” The boy replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.” >*Originally posted to Reddit by jflipside*
The first Jewish President of the United States is elected The night before the inauguration he calls his mother. "Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days." "Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days." "Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!" "Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous." "Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here." "But accommodations, especially during the inau---" "MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!" She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend. "Who was that?" "My son." *gasp* "The doctor??" No, the other one." >*Originally posted to Reddit by International_Bee653*
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?” And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.” That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode. >*Originally posted to Reddit by yomommafool*
My uncle was taking our picture at a dairy farm in Wisconsin when he was crushed by a giant wheel of cheese. We tried to warn him. >*Originally posted to Reddit by President_Calhoun*
Bob.
The recent widow is on trial for beating her guitar-playing husband to death. Seeing she has no record, the judge asks "first offender?" She says "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."
Algebros
That would make him the Centaur for Disease Control.
If you have a longer joke that doesn't fit the format but is still a clean joke, happy to have those here: https://seattlelunarsociety.org/c/momjokes Not trying to advertise, just wanted to help people find a place to land in the Fediverse, and doing my part to host some of it. Here's that dad joke I promised: What do you call a bear with no teeth? ::: spoiler spoiler A gummy bear :::
Welcome to (hopefully) your new home! Invite your friends, reddit mods, friendly mobs, villagers... even those creepers! All are welcome. You should also know about https://lemmy.world/c/oldschoolminecraft if that's your jam.
What do you call kids born in a bordello? Brothel sprouts
Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek–a-boo accident? ::: spoiler spoiler To the ICU. :::
A few hours ago I dropped a piece of ice It slid under the refrigerator. I was really upset at first but now it's water under the fridge. >(Posted on Reddit years ago by u/drewigi, I just liked it)
I just found out Canada isn’t real Turns out it was all just mapleleaf
Babies are born with 4 kidneys. When they grow up, 2 of them turn into adult knees.
A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.” "Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it." "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now." "No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung." "Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house." "No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated, "I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you." "On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts." "Which one?" the doctor. "How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!" >*Originally posted to Reddit by FancyAlligator*
Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony. One turns to the other and asks “Have you read Marx?” The second replies “yes, it’s these wicker chairs!” >*Originally posted to Reddit by doitup69*
My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body... I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it. >*Originally posted to Reddit by ExtraSure*
During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . . "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub" "Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup" "No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?" >*Originally posted to Reddit by RyanPBennett*
A man asks a young grocer if he can purchase a half a head of lettuce. The boy says "hold on one second and I'll check with my manager." The grocer walks to his office and says "So this cheapskate wants to know if he can buy a half a head of lettuce...." Not knowing the man had followed him and was standing right there. The grocer quickly embraces the man and says "... and this fine gentleman would like to buy the other half"! The manager agreed to the deal and and the man left. Manager "You're quick on your feet there! I could use someone like you as a lead. Where are you from son?" Grocer "I'm originally from Winnipeg. Nothing up there expect hookers and hockey players." Manager "Excuse me. My wife is from Winnipeg!" Grocer "No kidding, what team did she play for?"
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?" The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back." The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out. Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?" From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200." >*Originally posted to Reddit by muadeebpaul*
I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. >*Originally posted to Reddit by ryanegauthier*
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense". The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck." >*Originally posted to Reddit by petedacook2*
My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.” Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... “Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he supports Manchester United". [Or insert the team you love to hate instead] >*Originally posted to Reddit by Tintovic*
How do you clean between your chickpeas? Use your lentil floss. >*Originally posted to Reddit by MyActualNameIsCarl*
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so… I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!" She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's." "Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?" I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's." >*Originally posted to Reddit by Tintovic*
A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar... She says, "Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?" The Russian replies, "I work for the KGB." "Cool, tell me an interesting story!" "About me or about you?" >*Originally posted to Reddit by iRyaaanM*
A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?" He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old." "Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?" "I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old. And I started here fourteen years and three months ago." >*Originally posted to Reddit by GrubeMessel*
My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters. My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much. >*Originally posted to Reddit by Outrageous_Double862*
Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!" "That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"? "He came second". >*Originally posted to Reddit by PhilipWaterford*
When I lost my rifle, the army charged me $85. That's why in the navy, the captain goes down with the ship. >*Originally posted to Reddit by Alexharper051*
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings. The boy leaves and the girl’s mom remarks, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service?” >*Originally posted to Reddit by Butterflies_Books*