I just want to be a girl 😭

Oh hai ~ the weekly thread is back, yay!

Things are pretty good here. Weight is slowly dropping off, which is a relief (still lots to go); I'm two weeks into DIY, and stuff seems to be happening. It's quite hard to be objective though. At least I have a backup plan in case the doctor is uncooperative.

Because of all the waiting I'm a bit worried about losing momentum, especially when the self-doubt creeps in. Well, screw that voice - I'm gonna be a woman anyway :3

Oh, and I bought some clothes in preparation for the cooler weather. The sleeves are all too short, so I'm (re-)learning to sew. Take that, fashion industry!

Sounds good to me. Where do I sign up? Do I get to wear a low-cut vampire girl outfit?

Get out of my head.

Looking good! Enjoying the smoothness?

Aww, the world needs more people like you!

Seconded! Forced myself to do some voice training yesterday, and just... kept going for most of the rest of the day. Every time the playback sounds just right is worth a hundred mistakes.

Awesome, thanks! I guess I'll get the hang of it eventually :3

Wow, that eye makeup is on point! Can you share what products / techniques you're using? I've found it almost impossible to get anything other than gel eyeliner to stick.

I guess I've been having thoughts of "if I was a girl..." or "if I was trans..." for as long as I can remember. Definitely had a few times of "please let me wake up as a girl tomorrow" when I was 12/13 or so, but I got quite good a suppressing that. The "if..." thoughts were fine, of course, since I clearly wasn't trans or a girl...

Fast forward to about six weeks before my 40th birthday; following quite a few trans women online and starting to question my gender. But since I'm perfectly happy being cis, that's fine, no problem. I'll be an Ally.

Two weeks or so pass, start looking at egg_irl. A day or two later, everything comes crashing down and it's panic time. That lasts a few days and now I know: I'm a trans girl, and I want to transition. Came out to my family, started growing my hair, painting my nails, buying neutral-to-fem clothes etc. Stopped wearing obviously masc-coded stuff pretty much right away (even when going out). Made appointments for laser and HRT consultation.

About six weeks later, research indicates the doctor is probably going to make me wait 6 months to a year for HRT, so I order DIY. That arrives two weeks later (yesterday), and here we are.

Not using new pronouns or name yet, but I feel that might happen fairly soon.

Hooray! Thanks to Kaity <3

Didn't think I had any more egg left to crack, but I'm feeling very called out here! Generally unable to keep up with guy-talk, but get on really well with women and children. And you say transitioning gets you more of this? Bring it on!

Waiting...

... for my hair to get long enough for even a short feminine cut. I don't really feel like wearing a wig, but I guess I might try a cute headscarf.

... to lose weight. I'm going about as fast as I safely can, and it's noticeable, but there's still a lot to go.

... for hair removal. Seeing the effects already, but gotta wait at least a month between appointments.

... for hormones. First appointment in six weeks or so. At least there's DIY as a fallback.

But! I'm out to my family, and my immediate coworkers (I work from home anyway). So I can wear what I want, practice my voice and makeup, and things are good. I don't wear anything more boyish than women's jeans and a semi-fitted T-shirt (OK, fairly neutral), and I guess I'll just tell anyone who asks. Just wish I could see in the mirror how I feel.

Fingers crossed! Let's show that beard the door 👉

Had a nice long chat with the wife. Basically explaining the story so far, all those obvious-in-hindsight things. Talked about how I want to start HRT, and what that will entail. She's cool with it becoming a same-sex marriage, and went as far as to say "I know you're not the type to fool around, but if you decide you like men instead, that's OK with me".

Since coming out things have been noticeably friendlier (not in a euphemistic way, just actually talking about stuff in a warmer tone). Which is surprising, but I'll take it!

Things might all turn out OK after all. ☺️

I'm wondering if that's going to change once I get on E. It's possible I just have (literally) thick skin.

Looking at a chart I guess maybe ash blonde? It started almost white when I was very young (and bits of it are heading that way again). Facial hair is a bit more of a dark reddish-brown.

If I end up prepping for SRS, I think that's going to have to be electrolysis (TMI? sorry)

I have already altered the deal gender; pray I do not alter it any further.

Isn't it just a crop top with arm warmers? I'm no expert tho.

That's cool; you do you!

"What, these? No, they belonged to the last guy to misgender me."

That's a very good way to put it; I know exactly what you mean. (There should be PSAs on TV for this kind of thing: hey, kids! If you experience this, you're probably trans!)

I've always (until very recently, of course) really hated buying clothes. One of the factors leading up to my egg-crack was my wife (justifiably) nagging me that my clothes were all falling apart and I really needed to get some new ones. She even very kindly offered to order some for me online. But I just... couldn't. The idea of buying and wearing this stuff wasn't something I could recognize in myself. And, at last, I realized that there might be something bigger going on.

You got this! Math in particular feels like beating your head against a wall for ages until one day you suddenly get it (I studied it at uni, and everybody struggles).

Oh yeah, same here. I had my first session last week - they gave me the anesthetic cream for free because I paid up front. Gosh, this must really hurt, thinks me, starting to get worried because there wasn't time to put it on before starting. The lady kept stopping and asking if I could stand the pain, but it didn't hurt at all (the SMELL though...). That made me worry the laser wasn't working on my hair (I'm dirty blonde, although my facial hair is a bit darker).

I can still see the shadow, but shaving this morning there was a lot less stubble than usual! There is hope!

Haha, alright. I'll try to get a shot with Blåhaj :3

Oh! Good idea!

I should get some pretty belts 🤩

Yeah, it lets the cats come in and out of the bedroom at night without having to open the door for them.

🐱 (cat)

The label's in Chinese, but the internet tells me it's 60% Rayon. (I got it as part of my shotgun "buy everything cheap and girly on Amazon" experiment)

Now that you mention it, the collar might be why I don't feel too stupid wearing it. I'm used to seeing my face sitting above a collar, but the whole thing is obviously feminine which keeps the dysphoria at bay.

Yay, thanks for the update!

🤣 Damn it, I thought I hadn't posted any photos online...

🥺
👉👈

Same! I know there must be some kind of selection bias, but it's encouraging.

Given that I currently look like a recently-shaved walrus in a dress, if I'm not supermodel-grade this time next year, who do I speak to about a refund?

Hiya, and congratulations! Newbie here.

Now that I'm no longer using junk food and booze to fill the gaping void in my life, I'm slowly but steadily losing weight (for the first time ever) - went down a belt notch today :) I wonder if my man boobs will stay to give me a head start?

Plus, first laser session in a few hours. Bye bye, beard!

There's an important difference between recognizing that things are better / easier now, and ridiculing people who transitioned in a less supportive environment, particularly for their appearance. The latter would seem like a pretty bad attitude to me; perhaps your comments come across with a nuance that you didn't intend?

Hopefully future generations will be more understanding and look at us with sympathy and compassion rather than mockery.

Ouch! That reminds me of one of the episodes which led to my egg cracking...

Scene: me, out drinking with some friends who just happen to all be women (no hint there, obviously). Fairly well-oiled at this point.

Me: Since everyone else is a girl, maybe I should just become one too, ha ha!
Fren (surprised): Where did that come from? Are you transgender? That's cool if you are, I'm bi by the way.
Me: Ha ha no, only joking, just felt like the odd one out that's all, let's change the subject right now...
Me (to self): fuck fuck fuck where did that come from, I mean I do want to be a girl, but cis people don't say that kind of thing, dumbass

Get home; wake up with hangover and gender crisis.

Thanks :)

Definitely not trans

OK, possibly a bit trans

You caught me :3

Just about collected enough of a wardrobe that doesn't look awful on me (ie the right size and not hyper-feminine) so that I can dress in women's clothes all the time. Plus a growing pile of "don't wear outside the house" and "possibly when I'm a different shape" reserves :) Wearing my old men's stuff feels uncomfortable, so I threw most of it out except for a few items in case I need to emergency-stealth.

Makeup turns out to be not as obvious to other people than I thought! Went out the other day with eyebrow pencil, mascara and some light eye shadow, and even my wife (who in theory knows what I look like) couldn't tell what I had used.

Otherwise it's hurry up and wait. Consultation for laser this week, and maybe I can get on the list at the gender clinic for counseling in October (a GID diagnosis is required where I live).

You just blew my mind. I mean, I realize it must take a lot of knowledge and practice to get a good result, but...

Wow, if I could get whatever design in exactly my size...

Hehe, I've been going around the past week or so (still mostly stealthing) with shaved arms, legs, and painted nails, and despite a couple of double-takes, nobody even commented. (Actually a bit disappointed...)