Been there, done that. I probably had Covid twice, but one seemed asymptomatic. (Fully vaxxed each time.) The first time, had only a household member with Covid and some low blood-oxygen readings. The second time, felt like a bad case of flu, tested positive.

Covid seemed to linger for a longer time than most other viral infections I've had. Low energy, draggy, for a good month or two after I was physically "recovered." That I needed to self-quarantine, and my inability to get basic ADLs (activities of daily living) done efficiently contributed to feelings of depression. There was probably also a physiological Covid-related component to my feeling overall "down" as well.

It will pass, eventually (fingers crossed). It just seemed to take longer than run-of-the-mill illnesses. Be gentle with yourself.

And for heaven's sake, start an investment retirement account now. Yeah, I know, "but I'm not making enough, but there's that shiny thing in the (online) store window, but I'm never going to get old." Just allot one take-out coffee's worth of spare change per week. You can up the ante later. Let the miracle of compound interest do its thing.

That you're posting here suggests you really don't want to take action. That's a good start.

I urge you to seek professional counseling to work on processing this horrible experience. It won't go away if you follow through with violent plans. While you may feel like it would release your from the "prison of your mind," I can assure you it will not. And you're more likely to find yourself if literal prison.

I was raped when I was 17. I've never said thst anywhere in print, and rarely speak about it in person. I'm 68 now. I recall the details vividly.

I'm saying it now to you so you know I am speaking from hard experience, not just blathering. Revenge will not release you. And: you will be shaped by the experience. You cannot change that. But far more importantly, you do not need to be defined by it.

I refuse to have my life defined by one stupid person's thoughtless, egregiously cruel act (or even several people, several acts). You are better than that, stronger than that. I refuse to give anyone that power. It's not about forgetting anything. It's about forging it through your own will into one event, among many, that make you who you are, and who you can be.

An occasional thought that flits by, dissipates quickly, likely not an issue. But by definition, "intrusive" means a thought that nags, disrupts, is unwelcome in frequency, intensity. It would be worth finding a therapist to get to the reason, the source—and to find better ways to defuse or address these thoughts. They aren't there "for no reason at all." With a clearer sense of the reason, you can seek better ways to address the root cause.

Can't do tech very well, but give me needle, thread, and I can mend! Nobody does that anymore, either.

It sounds like you may be feeling very self-conscious about interactions. It took me a long time to learn, but much of the time (I've come to realize), "they ain't studying on me." Like—other people aren't scrutinizing me or judging me as much as I think they are.

Plenty of people are so wrapped up up in their own heads that they aren't paying you any attention, perhaps not realizing how you are reading their responses to you.

Maybe it's just me getting older, but "when I am an old woman, I shall wear purple." If others think I'm dressed weird or acting oddly—what of it? I don't need (and can't have) everyone's approval. Sure—there are limits; I don't want to endanger myself or others, or provoke hostility. I don't want to be mean to anyone.

If you make overtures of friendship and kindness and are turned away, that says a lot more about others than it does about you.

There are a number of resources pinned on this community for those in need of extra help.

I'm so glad you took the time to update! It sounds like, although it was an unpleasant experience, you made good use of it by figuring out what was behind the feelings, what was motivating your downward spiral, and what you can do to help yourself get back on track.

I know it's easier said than done, and something I struggle with too—but don't let the perfect become the enemy of the good. As in, maybe you'll try and not get it absolutely perfect. But doing a "good enough" job is sometimes (often?) better than doing nothing at all. We all make mistakes, even with the best of intentions and effort. But the only real "failure" is screwing up, and not learning anything from it. I think it was Einstein who said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results."

Thank you for asking how I'm doing! Well—muddling through. Sitting in a nursing home with my partner who has Alzheimer's, where I visit her every day. Not what I wanted for my retirement. I try to look for good things, small things. She still knows who I am, and we still love each other. I'm comfortable financially. I'm going to see my friends in church tomorrow; hopefully, the meditation class I'll be teaching will go over well. Trying to get motivated to mow the yard!

Be well, my friend, and take good care of yourself. We all have ups and downs; give yourself what you need to pick yourself up again.

Absolutely! Toasted, with ketchup!

Sorry, absolutely no clue—like at least 30-40 years ago.

Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. And if they do? Bite them back!

I hear this! Mine now tries to snuggle up by shoving his butt toward my face, and draping his tail across my mouth.

I've read about a variation of this and do it faithfully! Except you have to be driving under an overpass with train tracks, and there has to be a (preferably moving) train on the tracks above you. The idea is that when you press your hand to the car's ceiling, you get to send a wish to hitch a ride on the train going by above you. The moving train takes your wish along with it, giving it quicker travels, more exposure to the world, and thus more opportunities to be fulfilled.

I read your post a couple of hours ago, and thought about it--and I'm so glad you've been able to make some moves toward resolution.

One thing I keep thinking about, which you may not have had a chance to address: what is so troubling about the application?

Does it lead you to activities you don't want to perform? That is, if your application is accepted, and you complete the tasks that you've applied for, will you be happy, satisfied, fulfilled during and after those activities? Perhaps you have some deep sense that you don't want to go where this application takes you. Or perhaps your stumbling block is fear of failing at the tasks once you are admitted. Perhaps even your subconscious resistance is symbolic--it's a next step in growing up, moving on to the next phase of your life, and that brings all sorts of uncertainties, worries, opportunities to experience problems.

In any event, I think you've found one key to getting through the mental block: you broke the cycle by doing something (anything!) that breaks the pattern--getting out for a walk and a tram ride. Hooray!

Another key, I think, is that you mention missing doses of medication. Psych meds can do strange things to the mind, and sometimes (as you point out) the body/mind needs to adjust and ride out the change. Skipping doses can make you "think things you're not really thinking"--can shift brain chemistry in ways that make you believe the mental states are arising internally, when in fact they are chemically induced. Skipping doses can play havoc with your mental state. If the meds aren't working, or seem to be creating more problems than they solve, by all means ask your psych for a change--but it's not helpful to change the schedule of dosing just because you feel (or don't feel) like doing so.

Paying someone a simple, spur of the moment compliment, when they seem pretty happy already—and then realizing from the expression on the recipient's face that it really meant a whole lot more to them than you thought it would.

And to hear those children laughing, and a bunch of other stuff to cheer you up: https://www.peptoc.net/hotline. (Free "warm line" with pre-recorded messages—from kids!)

First—wow. You’re living an incredibly full life. You’re meeting the situation you’re in by working two jobs; looking toward the future with the university degree. You have an admirably balanced portfolio of purposeful avocational activities to meet spiritual, physical and social needs. You’ve thought out and researched how mind and body work.

But I find myself wondering: “But when do you dream?” I’m not referring to sleep-dreaming. Rather, I’m thinking of something more like meditation—where the mind is either not engaged in purposeful activitiy, or is engaged in activity that is so rote, so engrained as automatic, that the subconscious is free to make its own associations that (for lack of a better descriptor) allow it to connect the dots from what seem to be disparate experiences.

I’m a (retired) academic. You mention you’re progressing further in university studies. You don’t describe it as onerous in terms of literal time commitments: absorbing material, completing tasks that assess subject mastery.

My experience has been that intensive intellectual processing seems to drain some sort of subconscious reservoir, which then demands to be replenished. If I do not give this process its due, eventually I become a gibbering idiot; for lack of a better term, I think of it as “brain-lock.” If I try to push through, I make stupid mistakes. Like the day I woke up, cleaned my contact lenses like I had done for some 20 years, and tried to pop them in my eyes using the soap solution instead of the wetting solution. I burned my eyes so badly I had to take the day off. (No long-term harm—just serious ouch.)

Another consideration: You don’t say how old you are; some details you mention suggest you’re beyond early 20s. Specifics aren’t particularly important. I’m old enough to be retired. So here’s the point: as we age, the balance of body-mind-spirit components we need will change. I find that I need more “free-range” mental/emotional time to recover from stressful situations. Perhaps that is also so for you.

I don’t know what components you may want or need to shift in your schedule. But since you’ve asked what’s going on, I’ve offered my best guess on what you might need to assemble your own answer.

Yes. This is the basic driving style on the Katy. No rules, no lanes. Just wide open spaces, bumper to bumper at a minimum of 75 mph. On a good day.

Walk? In Houston? Nope.

Woo-hoo! And just to note, you've gotta click the three-bars (hamburger) menu doo-hickey, bottom left corner, either mobile or desktop, to get to the resources. Resources open in a navigation menu on the left. (The phrase "Trans-Resources.Info" appears to be a link, but just takes you back to the home page. Had me puzzled at first. Weird web design, great resources.)

Yes; Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has much in common with mindfulness meditation. My partner was in a CBT program a few years ago, and a number of the "take home and read for homework" handouts were from Buddhist sources.

For those who don't find instructions on meditation very helpful, perhaps a CBT workbook might offer the same strategies, phrased in different ways.

"Cis lesbian" here. I guess. It sounds weird to say, even though "cis" has been around for some 20 years. I came out 40+ years ago. It wasn't a thing when I came out, let alone trans, enbie, etc.

I get SO mad when I hear about any people hating on anyone for their sexuality or gender identity. Have we learned nothing from closets, AIDs, the Stonewall Rebellion, conversion therapy, witch hunts, mass shootings? WE were the Martians, the aliens, to be exterminated or at best hidden 40 years ago. I hear that feeling loud and clear, and I do not forget. Apparently, the haters have repressed our history.

I love you. Just as you are. And I will be first in line to point out the utter hypocrisy of any group with a history like ours that so much as raises an eyebrow at you.

None of us is free unless all of us are free. Anyone who says otherwise is deluded into thinking that they are safe, now that the line has shifted and "gay" is tolerated, if not completely accepted. We all need each other. Now, more than ever.

Hold your head up, brother. I got your back.

For all of us with ADHD, autism spectrum, or just plain Foot-In-Mouth-ism: been there, done that, second-guessing making this post even as I write it. Enjoy this comic: https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/cues

Good point about "cheating"! I imagine there are some places where standing up (rather than tub-bath, or sitting down for a thorough scrub) is considered the cheat-form!

Saw your previous post in this community.. I hear you. I've been learning and practicing (by no means yet mastering) being gentle with myself, setting small goals and appreciating small achievements. Like, if you can't get up and run around the block, can you get up, take a shower, get dressed... and then go back to bed? Sometimes doing that one step today can allow you to do the next thing, tomorrow.

Mod here. Please flair as NSFW. See pinned post from VubDapple.

We've got a few pinned posts with a wide variety of resources; please check these to see if any look promising. More importantly: use them. Call 988, or a warm-line. You've already taken the first step by posting here. Keep going.

I fully agree the two avenues you've reached out to so far can be useless. Formal, one-on-one treatment lags massively beyond need--every news outlet runs stories, citing politicians who allocated big bucks to resources... which take years to get anything accomplished, and likely get bogged in red tape, slush-fund budgeting so you and I get nothing.

People around you often play comparative games: "ooh, let me tell you about MY issues; blah, blah blah; you see? they're worse than yours, so just suck it up."

However, I disagree that there's nothing special about you, or that you're taking resources someone else might need more. You matter, more than you know. You deserve, as much as anyone, love and help.

There are some good responses already... far less than 5 months.

Two additional strategies. (1) Meditate. If you're not sure how, let me know; I can suggest some good free starting points. It may seem stupid, irrelevant at first. But I've found it's a remarkable way for me to know what I'm feeling. If I can sit with the feeling long enough, sometimes I can figure out why I'm feeling that way.

(2) Reach out, spread good. It doesn't have to be dramatic, like "helping someone in more need than you are." Sometimes, it's letting someone trying to make a left turn into traffic the space to make that turn. Giving a compliment to a random stranger.

I struggle with depression too. I've earned it--my partner with Alzheimer's is in a nursing home I call "Roach Motel" it's so badly run. (No, this is not "my problems are worse than yours.") I visit daily. I brush her hair, hold her hand, holler for aides when they ignore the call bell--I make a difference in her life. I like some of the aides, and I think others are pure a**holes. But I bring in inexpensive snacks, give compliments when I can, and treat people with a crappy job with as much respect and kindness as I can muster. Some days, I REALLY don't want to visit... but I make myself. And always, when I leave, the depression has lifted a little.

Been through grad school, 1980s. Survived. Tenured. Emeritus. Retired. I'm sure it's only gotten worse. The whole thing is set up to weed out… basically a whole bunch of people, because higher ed is not providing enough jobs for people with PhDs. (Yes, I know there are advanced degrees that don't lead to an academic job.) And it's set up to provide a slave labor force of teachers for undergrad classes. A lot of fine people end up bag ladies, or moving off to organic lesbian goat farms (two examples from my peer group).

And it's functionally a stress test, to find the cracks, before grad students get out in the real world and face the insane demands of a life of itinerant adjuncting, the horrors of seeking tenure, or the other professional jobs that require higher degrees. If they crack after graduating, they can take a lot of other people down with them. (Seen that happen, too.)

That doesn't excuse any of it, not by a long shot. A whole bunch of stuff in this world needs to be reformed. But: it does offer a chance to see that it's only a game—and if the game is something that makes you miserable, you need to find a different game. A game where you can find ways to be kind, and not perpetuate the misery.

I'm so glad you're checking back in with an update! And it's good news you have found a psychiatrist willing to take the time to work with you. And that you have a handle on what's "off," and a starting point to getting you back on track.

SSRIs, as you know, suppress the re-uptake (grab that molecule & recycle its components) of seratonin, the happy-feel molecule. SNRIs suppress the re-uptake of seratonin, and norepinephrine as well, essentially adreneline (the "I can face the day with confidence" molecule, which in larger amounts becomes "I wanna bite your head off" molecule.) In other words, it will probably feel different than a straight SSRI—I hope in ways that address the discomfort you had previously.

I'm not familiar with the other Rx you mentioned; but again, it sounds like your doc is starting with small doses. Always a plus to start out conservatively and see how they affect you.

I'm happy for you!

I'm so sorry. See you've found "Chronic Pain" community, which I was going to suggest. If you haven't thought of it and are up for the suggestion, I know there are online searchable resources for "meditation pain management."

Sending you strength and love.

Thank you so much. I get strength from the kind words of people like you, and from offering what I can for others. Hugs and well-wishes to you.

Well--you're clearly very resourceful! You've got the kitten thing managed as best you can. You're asking the same questions, of the same IRL people, that a bunch of randos have come up with... so crowd-sourcing and getting same answers suggests you're doing everything right.

You have NOT let everyone down, and you've got no reason to apologize. Let me tell you a little about my partner's situation. Supposedly "mental health" issues for ~ten years. Nothing worked--drugs, talk therapy, encouragement, whole raft of diagnoses. Lots of people accused her of faking, including (I'm sad to say) me. Never really pushed it; raised an occasional eyebrow, did my best to be supportive...

Finally, turns out she has Alzheimer's. Rather atypically early (I think starting around 55 years old). But yeah, as real as the MRI that officially diagnosed it. She had so much anxiety and flaky behavior around "something's OFF in my head."

I sincerely hope that all works out well for you, and that you are able to find/create situations that are supportive and allow you joy. My partner too was suicidal. I can't say she's exactly ecstatic now--she's in a nursing home (complications). But: I visit every day, get her to smile, and she knows I love her dearly and will not give up on her. There is still joy in our lives.

I don't have all the answers, but want to say I am so sorry for what your going through.

On the kitten: you're right, I think— the kitten needs more social interaction. Any piece of string, perhaps with a bit of cloth tied to the end, can be dangled while you are sitting on the couch. You might consider a mani-pedi, nipping the sharp tips of those claws, to keep damage under control. Ex might reasinably be asked to invest in a few toys, including chew toys. You might search for "Jackson Galaxy" on YouTube for helpful videos.

It shouldn't be your responsibility, but it sounds like you've tried getting Ex to take responsibility. Sadly, like the kitten's tenancy seems tied to your own. That sounds like manipulation.

Your physical health and long-term possibilities are, of course, adding to your stress. It sounds very overwhelming right now, with so many changes in your life. Would Ex consider paying for housekeeping help—at least to get the pizza boxes and dirty dishes sorted out? I don't know about your country's system for people with disabilities, but perhaps your social worker can help you figure out if any assistance in this area is available to you.

Thank you for the trigger warning about your desperation. As you know, I'm just an internet rando. I can't offer you all the helo you need, although I can assure you I care deeply. In the pinned resources at the top of this community's posts, there are some European resources if you haven't already seen them. Perhaps your social worker can add to them (and if you'd be willing to share anything you find useful, you can DM me so I can have them added to the list).

Please stay alive. So many things have changed so rapidly in your life recently. That's bound to feel like too much. Give yourself the time and grace for change.

From my grandmother: "Essen! Essen!" (Eat! Eat!) Followed quickly by "You need to lose weight! You're getting fat!"

There's a saying in the caregiving community, those of us keeping loved ones with dementia and various disabilities afloat, alive and (hopefully) thriving.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep your loved one warm.

Meaning, if you don't take care of yourself, you cannot help others. You could set yourself on fire, but the flames go out quickly, and then you're a crispy, crunchy mess—and both of you are far worse off than when you started.

Put your own oxygen mask on first, before trying to help others.

And… sometimes that means saying "no." Which is hard, but necessary.

I haven't gone through such an intake myself, but have watched loved ones' evaluations. One thing I suspect will happen is you'll be given questionnaires asking about whether you do/think certain things "always," "sometimes," "rarely," "never." (Or similar language.)

You might also list what you have been experiencing, and why you think the issues have increased in severity. Use this as a prompt for yourself when you are being evaluated and asked, in essence, "what brings you here?"

Obviously, this is not a time to either overstate what's going on, or to hold back on what you're feeling is "off." A good psychiatrist and mental health team will assuredly have the tools to get beyond the "normal" façade that makes it easier to function, but leaves you aware that it's something of a sham.

Best wishes to you.

Bummer! I think the walls you're running into are a problematic sign of our times, on the one hand. Like book banning in the name of "keeping our kids safe"—in which case, the Bible has been proposed for banning in a few places that have become over-zealous. On the other hand, while not everybody out there is illegit, there are plenty of scammers and misguided weirdos all too ready to twist and use legitimate need for help to fit their own unsavory or misguided agendas.

You've probably already thought of this, but I'll toss it out there anyway: are there IRL people you can turn to—teachers, school guidance or counselling resources, adult neighbors or friends' parents you trust, older cousins, or organizations like scouting, coaches, etc.? You may want to add to that list. And obviously, if your gut makes even the smallest whisper of '"this is sus, it doesn't feel right," then you owe nobody any excuses for backing away.

You might try this website: https://dontcallthepolice.com/. It lists resources in major cities. I checked several randomly, and all seem to have a "youth" section. When you click on "youth," you may see resources, or you may see "info coming soon."

At the top of that page, there is also a set of "national" listings. There are specific resources for abuse, trafficking, and so on. The most promising general resource seems to be https://teenlifeline.org/. I clicked through to that site, and it appears to have the equivalent of a warm-line staffed by other teens.

Retired college professor here. I can't address everything you've written, although my heart goes out to you.

I did want to point out that you say you've worked with college mental health counsellors and found little help.

Please know that college counsellors are not set up to address long-term, deep issues. They are very effective working with exam anxiety, roommate spats, grief and coming-of-age emotions. However, as powerful as many of these may feel to the people experiencing them, they are often fairly short-term issues when addressed well and quickly.

In other words, I'm suggesting that you see your experiences with college counsellors as being like a visit to a corner convenience store. You can get a soda, chips, maybe a hot dog. A good place for such items fast, a good stop-gap for you.

But for more substantial fare that will last you a while and keep you healthy, you'll want to visit a large supermarket with more options. A long-term therapy commitment is designed for ongoing health and nourishment, and can offer you deeper resources.

Just about 10 years on Reddit. My visits to Reddit dropped by 99.9%; still do a few check-ins with support communities I've used. Here on Lemmy, actively contributing and minor role as mod in a couple of communities. Building a new home in the stars.

Before you go to bed, write. Get out what you think you've done "wrong," how you might catch and correct issues before they feel big and overwhelming, or how it makes you feel that you're unsatisfied.

This will help you get the clutter out of your head as you organize your thoughts into language, and help you keep from having it play on an endless loop as you try to sleep.

If you're amenable, ask your dreams to offer you new perspectives, solutions, or even just a cathartic replay of what happened or didn't.

Next morning, or even a few days later, revisit what you wrote, and do more journaling on the issues and feelings.

If ya can't laugh AT me, please laugh WITH me!